Recently I read Jennifer Finney Boylan’s book Stuck In The Middle With You, which recounts her parenting as a father, then while in transition, and finally after her transition, as a mother.
The fluidity of gender, and the social constructs society assigns to men and women, boys and girls, have evolved in unprecedented ways and at an unparalleled pace over the past few years. Like many social movements, the acceptance and normalizing of gender fluidity has worked its way into our laws, our Courts, and our restructuring of families in all their many and varied constructs.
Reading Boylan’s book, I was struck by the power of love in her immediate family, and her extended community. Her openness and self-reflection, which was not without angst, allowed her sons to see her as a loving guide first and foremost; her gender though not unimportant was certainly not the essential anchor of their relationship.
In my work with divorcing clients I see the underbelly of relationships- the parts that haven’t thrived and ultimately have unraveled. Gender sometimes plays a role in the dissolution of a relationship, but so do many other factors.
When gay marriage became legal in Massachusetts, people were quick to quip “there goes the sex”. The point being made that although people often enter a marriage with a clear sense of sexuality and gender identity, the complexities of daily living often result in those aspects of a marriage moving away from center stage. In fact, it’s not uncommon for someone divorcing in a straight marriage to tell me they’ve been living in a sexless marriage for many years. When that is the reality for many straight partners why then should sexuality and gender play such a central role in co-parenting? What does a child need from a parent to feel loved, supported, guided and safe? Boylan’s book gives us a window into parenting in three genders- raising children with humor, cooperation, tolerance, creativity, acceptance, understanding, guidance, safety and love are essential. Men and women, gay, straight and trans all have the capacity to excel and squander these elements, but gender itself has little to do with how well this is accomplished.
Gender aside, the psychological shift involved in moving from ex-spouses to co-parents takes grit, perseverance and grace; doing it well is an opportunity not to be missed. Stuck In The Middle With You gives voice to the integrity it takes to parent in three genders but in so doing it speaks volumes about how to bridge divides for families in all their many constellations.
