More and more often people in their 60’s and 70’s are reaching out to me for consultations, but not about themselves and “grey divorce” (something family lawyers talk about in terms of older divorcing clients), but about their adult children (who are in their 40’s and 50’s). Whether the outreach is based in love and concern, or control and self-interest is always paramount in my mind when I talk to those clients.
Sometimes it’s immediately apparent that a potential divorce has raised family concerns over finances and protection of wealth, whereas other times there is concern over mental health, physical safety or relationships with grandchildren. I grapple with the legal and emotional nature of the concerns, and the appropriateness or not of family involvement.
There’s a wonderful book by Tristan Gooley called How to Read Nature, in which he discussesthe interconnectedness of the natural world and how it impacts our lived experience: how the same tree can grow or perish based on sun and shade, water or drought, exposed or sheltered spaces. I think those factors are what I look for when someone in a family system reaches out to me about a loved one. Are they trying to provide growth or protection? Short-term financial support? Ongoing financial support to their own detriment? Control over an adult child’s finances? Provocation or safe harbor?
I’m also mindful of a wonderful TED talk given by Julie Lythcott-Haimes called “How to raise successful kids without over-parenting”; a talk that reflects upon how parents can unwittingly disable their children by not allowing them to learn through experimentation, failure and responsibility. In her talk Julie wisely comments that “self-efficacy is built when one sees that one’s own actions lead to outcomes.” Lord knows it’s difficult to watch the struggle of our children we love. However, Julie’s talk makes me think about how support can become coddling, the importance of drawing a line between assistance and independence, and the natural sense of interconnectedness and healthy boundaries. American psychologist Abraham Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs” provides a helpful lens: when people are worried about their food and safety, they’re not able to focus on their higher-level needs of love and belonging, esteem and self-actualization.
Divorce causes disruption to many lower level needs (even if only temporarily) and those disruptions can in turn create a spiraling disintegration. From my vantage point, help is when family systems give scaffolding to undergird those lower level needs allowing their loved one to climb their own hierarchical ladder. But it’s just as important to know when to step back and pull away the scaffolding. Balancing the ladder is tricky business.
