Recent news that Bill and Melinda French Gates were divorcing got me thinking about the adage that “money can’t buy happiness”, and also about how their divorce might and might not differ from other families’ restructurings. Of course there’s the obvious voluminous amount of money, but that in my experience, is not what makes divorce complicated.
By this point in my career I’ve worked with many kinds of families, and a wide range of financial complexities, from indigence to extraordinary wealth. And over the years I’ve often recalled a quip made to me by a judge early in my career “that there are only two types of families who can afford to divorce, the very poor and the very wealthy.” Although of course the circumstances of and consequent outcomes for these families differ greatly, there’s some truth in his statement as middle income families are most likely to suffer a notable lifestyle change in ways that families on both extremes do not; to state the obvious, the Gates family will not feel any lifestyle impact as a result of their divorce.
Not being privy to their very real and personal reasons to divorce, their public statement that “we believe we can no longer grow together as a couple in this next phase of our lives” left me wondering, why? Their statement made me think about the many conversations I’ve had with clients about the multiple strands of marriage, and also of divorce. When people merge their lives together there are so many “marriages” they create beyond their legal bond: to name a few, financial, familial, friendships, businesses, and in the Gates’ instance a multi-national, multi-billion dollar charitable foundation. And of course there are often also extra-marital relationships in marriages- financial, familial, friendships, businesses, and in the Gates’ instance a multi-national, multi-billion dollar charitable foundation. When people decide to divorce it’s worth considering what they want to be divorcing, restructuring, maintaining, and growing.
Although I think people often find it difficult to feel empathy for celebrities, instead letting schadenfreude take hold, I think that wealth and celebrity does nothing to lessen the intensity and fracture of unique, interpersonal relationships; in fact the public nature of those relationships might heighten the pain of many elements. At the end of the day, we all go to bed with ourselves, and no matter how large one’s global footprint may be, it is one mind, one body and oneself that needs to feel whole and fulfilled and content. Money and celebrity don’t change that fact. And yet because of the visibility and grandiosity of a life in bright lights, it’s easy for observers to forget that people are just human, emotions are unique to individuals, and no matter outward appearances to outsiders, everything is personal and everything is relative.
It’s not hard to imagine that Melinda Gates might feel subsumed by Bill’s celebrity, and how their interpersonal interactions might have been impacted by that fact. Perhaps I am unfairly projecting onto their announcement, but when I consider the “why” behind their decision, I’m struck by Melinda having added “French” to her moniker, and think it was a not so subtle indication of her desire not to be enveloped by Bill and his interests, or at the very least to embrace more of her own identity.