Heidi Webb’s Interview with American Mothers Blog
January 27, 2015
The D word.
No one likes to talk about. No one ever plans on it. But probably about half of those of you reading this have experienced it, or will at some point.
We’re talking about divorce.
It’s a subject we haven’t broached too often here on the American Mothers Blog, mostly because there isn’t much good or encouraging to say about it. It’s incredibly difficult on everyone involved and can have lifetime ramifications, particularly when children are involved. Rarely has there ever been a “smooth” divorce.
That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth talking about, not with nearly 50% of US marriages ending in divorce. We want to help take away any sort of stigma that may be attached to divorced mothers. Not every relationship is destined for success, and often divorce is the best path. It’s okay, and plenty of people come out of it even better than they once were.
We talked with Heidi-Rachel Webb, a divorce attorney based in Massachusetts. She is the founder and principal of Consilium® Divorce Consultations, a group that takes a holistic approach to helping clients navigate divorce that includes emotional health as well as the legal issues.
Heidi left a family legal practice to start Consilium in 1998, pregnant with her third child. Along with the success of the firm and the maintenance of a happy family, Heidi also finds time to offer extensive time to non-profits in her community.
We asked Heidi about what it’s like to deal in divorce all day while maintaining a peaceful family life, and what options mothers facing an irreconcilable relationship have, including divorce. If you’re finding yourself in the situation, or just have an interest in another successful BusinessMom, you’ll find some wisdom in her responses.
If you’d like to get in touch with Heidi, visit the Consilium website. You can also follow Heidi’s blog for more advice as well as insight into her personal life.
How does dealing with others’ divorces/separations all day affect your own relationships with your spouse and kids?
I suppose it makes me hyper-vigilant. I see how circumstances have less to do with outcome than resilience and response. As my kids have gotten older I’ve found that I talk to them almost in the “cautionary tale” sense, about how important it is to attend to and communicate in relationships, and about how to disagree kindly.
Is there really a way to balance work/family life, or do both just naturally bleed into each other?
Boundaries are huge in this work; both in terms of client confidentiality, and in terms of learning not to bring work home. As with anything, experience is a great teacher. As I’ve grown, I’ve learned how to be present with clients when I am with them, and how to be present with my family when I’m with them. It takes practice, but I’ve found that I’m more effective in both arenas when I compartmentalize in each.
Are there common threads to relationships that end in divorce? At what point is reconciliation not possible?
There are many surface reasons people initially give for a failed marriage (affairs, money, alcohol and other addictions, growing apart). Although there are a multitude of reasons, I’ve found that a lack of communication undergirds them all. Dishonesty, a breach of trust, and disagreements that turn personal are also elements that erode a relationship.
Reconciliation is not possible when one or both people decide they don’t want to put any more effort into their relationship. What one person would find intolerable, another wouldn’t find to be problematic at all. The issues are usually not what is key, but rather their impact, and whether or not a couple chooses to struggle through the causes or leave them behind. The right answer differs for different people. That having been said, domestic violence and emotional cruelty are often intractable and stem from deep wounds in one or both of the partners, and result in an inability to create constructive growth and change.
Are there some recommendations you have for mothers who still want their relationship to work?
When couples are at an impasse, or have had a betrayal in their marriage, couples counseling with a skilled therapist can be an essential element in creating systemic change and moving forward. Whether the therapy acts to heal the rift, or understand the wounds and underlying problems in the relationship, it will help both people gain clarity as they move forward.
What are some basics mothers should know before they begin the process? Specifically what can they do to make sure the kids’ best interests are served?
Children are best served when their parents can put themselves in their children’s place. Divorce is an adult choice but children often bear the weight of the consequences. Research with adult children of divorce reveals that they cease to remember, “play time” after the time of their parents’ divorce. Instead they often became their parents’ caretakers, or they spent time worrying about “whose house” or “whose day” it was. Stealing a childhood seems to me to be an unfair consequence of divorce. On the other hand, if through awareness, parents can instead attend to their children and preserve their childhood that would seem to be a gift. The challenge of course is in how to do that.Before taking any action toward divorcing, it is imperative to become educated about the laws of your state, and the possible paths you can take to achieve and optimize the outcomes for yourself and your restructured family.
Heidi-Rachel Webb is the founder and principal of Consilium ® Divorce Consultations.
The Consilium ® Process is a unique, proprietary six-step process developed by Heidi R. Webb and deployed solely by Consilium Divorce Consultations, which holistically addresses the key legal, emotional, and logistical issues people confront when facing a possible divorce, with the goal of charting the optimal path to achieving each client’s distinctive long-term life goals for themselves and their family.