Conversations with my now grown children have shifted from a primary focus on their own needs (mostly) to their more global concerns- some political, much about global climate change and the very real impact they anticipate it having on them and their peers in the years to come. Therefore I was interested and saw it as an opportunity to become more informed when my son asked me to host the showing of a documentary created by the Sunrise Movement, a youth-led global climate change organization he’s working for. Watching the video I was struck by both the gravity of what we face, and the injustice of how changes are likely to impact various segments of society (the most marginalized people bearing the brunt of climate change be it the water in Flint, Michigan or less sturdy housing in the paths of hurricanes). Systemic change affects all players, some more than others, and those most vulnerable usually suffer the most. It is true in politics, in global climate change and in restructured families.
Just as climate activists look at timelines and temperature change to structure how their efforts can best be used to intervene and be most impactful, wise and sensitive parents consider timelines when they look at their own children’s developmental journeys and gauge their decisions based on the temperature of their household and how their children are handling the seismic shifts involved in the restructuring of their immediate world. Where children are enrolled in school, and if and whether a family restructuring might result in a school change could potentially rock a child’s world as he knows it. Who their friends and coaches are, and whether they can count on their support could be a stabilizing or destabilizing factor in their lives. Looking at the world as much as possible from a child’s vantage point will go a long way toward preparing for the inevitable changes divorce and restructuring brings. Building scaffolding and support matters. Just as wise homeowners cover their windows with wood when they realize a hurricane is barreling toward their homes, divorcing parents shore up reinforcements for their children informing their coaches, music teachers, religious leaders, neighbors and parents of their children’s closest friends, about upcoming changes in their family. And if they anticipate one or another of their children might be particularly vulnerable when they first learn about their parents plans, I often suggest that before telling their children about their intentions parents interview therapists and pre-emptively schedule an appointment for their child(ren) within days or a week of having talked to them. Family therapy can also offer huge insights for a family and give room for everyone’s voices and concerns to be heard.
Helping vulnerable people move into sturdy terrain is work I find gratifying, and sometimes clients express to me their own experience in ways that are rewarding beyond measure. This happened to me recently when I received an email from a client saying “I want you to know that the work you do, especially for a situation like ours, is truly life-saving. I can’t thank you enough for getting us through any kind of productive conversations at all, let alone acknowledge alignment or come to agreement.”
Systems in crisis, be they environmental or familial, deserve our time, our minds and our hearts.
If not now, when?